every time i think of you i feel shot right through with a bolt of blue. it's no problem of mine but it's a problem i find.. living a life that i can't leave behind. there's no sense in telling me that the wisdom of a fool won't set you free.. but that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows.

while every day my confusion grows.. every time i see you falling i get down on my knees and pray. i'm waiting for that final moment that you'll say the words that i can't say.

and my eyes are still open.. but everything moves in slow motion.
it's been an interesting weekend to say the least.. was pretty stoked on friday all week but when it eventually came i could feel it regress into a sinking feeling that i could only hide under an intoxicated guise. it was a good night nonetheless but i didn't leave my bed again until sunday afternoon to clean up the place.. afterwards I made some pasta with a homemade spice concoction that was actually really tasty.. then I watched trigun and drew. alot. all to keep my mind from wandering all too far and since I couldn't find any real drawing utensil I busted out my box of pastels and.. developed a pretty rad new technique involving ballpoint ink.

forgot that i'd ran into jeff from awilhem scream and he reminded me i was supposed to do tshirts for them last summer. i'm waaaayy too fucking busy..

h i'm sorry for g. i most definitely should have known better and.. he apparently did it again the fuck. he left his phone at my place and i made sure to delete all his contacts. even the people i didn't know.

.. i just heard a commercial for white hen. aww man.. bauled myself to what would have been sleep if i ever really passed out.. don't know what's happening to me but i'm holding far too tightly on the things i know will never be the way i see it everywhere else.

i've become impossible.

I think I've maybe finally blown a fuse.. don't feel at all cynical, spiteful, distressed, upset.. any remorse whatsoever. I've had no peace to make..

Out of some random impulsion I decided to check out Q101 (old favorite radio station when I still lived in Chicago.. waaaaay back when) and browsed to see if they have a streaming broadcast.. JACKPOT!! So now I get to listen to shuffled tunes as opposed to the similar repetitiveness of the "alternative"..

hit up the stetson last tuesday and the band was pretty fucking badass.. raising sun. ran into ike, mr. ollinger and lynch and had a shot with them.. then ended up taking off without clearing my tab. oops.

was supposed to get my hair cut last night but i was running late because everything was going wrong.. i walked in circles for so long and i knew exactly where i was going. go fig. so i had to reschedule today for 3:30 meaning I've gotta be out of the office for 2:30 meaning I've got 2 hours to blow today before the BSD junk at Robyn's and the ruckus at my place. gonna be huge.. if everyone who says they're comin comes there's gonna be easily 30 people.. not including friends of friends.

rad.

HAPPY XIII!!

.. why is it that on top of the world gazing into the seemingly endless horizon into oblivion we feel the most inspired? why is it that regardless of the long rocky road uphill that we see set before us we still drive onward? for the sake of that brief inspiration? only to eventually resume life on the low..

why is it that when we find ourselves running with our last breath that we burn on and out with that last little bit of hope for a legacy that does us a justice. why when things seem to be coming to that inevitable close that we can't help but refuse to accept it when it's so obviously upon us.. this is it.

drunk and near love
watch her shine as she dances
beneath the lucid moonlight
a symphony of sordid shadows
stare into an elaborate blue eternity